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you found your way back into my soul, how…

this long lost traveler, long lost love tore

waves were waved and goodbyes relayed

bags packed for a forever that would never stay

watched you leave, cried on your living grave


made my peace, learned what open love gave


lit a torch in my cave during heart’s bloody rain


yet let go of hope for rescue that never came


as time ran forward like a wayward deer


sprinting through forest hell bent on being free


earth spun in sunken eyes, drunk on toxic tears


jaded by pain, not to believe again, I disappear


blending into the mold in the meadow


tread upon by passing bedfellows


wondering where you flew


to see you alight, aglow


upon my torch raised


drop to knees

I blow it out
light floods in
lead me
home

~ Emily C. 10.20.17

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Some Fights

some fights are silent
some roars you can’t hear
some nights leave scars
some days birth fear

courage comes each sunrise
bravery in the dark
while you are sleeping pretty
I’ll be swinging a punch

in dreams, I plan my attack
which way to focus aim
how my feet will land
in morning’s sweet refrain

you run about your day
in automated normalcy
you think you know my way
while I confront my enemy

fear may fright my veins
and keep me on the cliff
but willingly I’ll face
my fate and my what-ifs

for only by standing fast
where I feel my very worst
can my faulty feet
learn to walk once again

some fights are mere moments
some roars are salty tears
some nights bring peace
some days birth falling heroes 

 

~ Emily C. 10.19.17

Follow-up with ENT on my balance testing results today.

Basically, while my balance tested normal in each ear, there were abnormalities on some of the tests that indicate there is something not normal possibly with my left inner ear, but most definitely in how my eyes interpret information about my environment and communicate with my vestibular system and brain.

While the doctor didn’t want to say it was labyrinthitis, and thought it wasn’t BPPV-related, or give me any name for what damage or problem my inner ear may have, my vestibular therapist repeated on the phone today her opinion she’s had since my first visit with her in June: that my first flare of vertigo seven years ago could have been labyrinthitis, a virus that attacks inner ear, and that my brain, without proper and timely therapy, did not fully compensate after the injury healed, leading to chronic subjective dizziness or PPPD (Persistent Postural-Perceptual Dizziness). Throw in vestibular migraine, and the two work each other up in the face of multiple triggers (good & bad stress, food migraine triggers, too much or too little sleep, lights and environment, etc.).

Essentially, I keep doing what I’m doing, my vestibular exercises, work to reduce migraine triggers, and possibly go back to neurology for other approaches. I do not want drugs that have more side effects than my current symptoms. So, the test gives me information and validation, even if it doesn’t show damage that may have healed, it shows the after effects of a maladapted neurological system.  He couldn’t say it was solely migraine, and he didn’t tell me it was “all in my head”, he said there is something else going on, and that helps me feel vindicated after 7 years of trying to live with this disorder while looking outwardly healthy. I will keep on the daily fight, and I’m so blessed to have my therapist Julie on my side…she’s a tiger and fighter for her clients, an advocate who knows her stuff and pushes for her clients to be heard and treated.

Still a bit confused, still forgot to ask him some questions, still trying to interpret the vagueness of the results, but there are results in addition to migraine, and that’s something.

I have better days, then I have bad days. I’m keeping up with my exercises as best I can. I see my vestibular therapist every other week. I’ve progressed enough she ordered me to get a disco ball. Yup! Disco ball. My brain hates it, but it’s festive. 🙂

This Dark Night

crow stares with crescent moon eye
surveying the night and me
perched on a dead branch he spies
my steps taken rather tentatively

skeleton leaves frozen like me
cracking under foot they crumble
alone — no one can hear chattering
of my teeth, or my incoherent mumble

while I wander in this black evening
searching for a way out of this trap
I can’t help but feel blood curdling
and hairs on my arms begin to react

caw! and I jump with a startle
whoo! and I jolt to the right
meow! and I trip on the cat
squeak! and I curse this dark night

but no, these were not my enemies
not my tormentors nor my fears
rather my furry friendlies
saving me a spot to rest my rear

up to the tree I climbed
dead leaves my new cozy nest
blinking down my crescent moon eyes
to spy who might walk by next

 

~ Emily C. 10.13.17

Colors Bled

Colors bled on glass lake
deep reds trapped deep
mirage for eyes beckons
but waves away at touch

can’t capture it, don’t try
they will call you in to die
sinking in the fallen leaves
your ambitious hope denied

color attracts
for love and death

poison or passion
— watch your step

know your petals
know your heart

know when to touch 
and when to not

~ Emily C. 10.12.17