I need to play. I’m feeling restless. I’ve had a rough year and I’ve been fighting out slowly, trying to reclaim my life, my health, my fitness. And just this moment in time, this particular one…I feel the shift. The shift back to needing play. To laugh. To be surrounded by love, by friends. To crack jokes, to crack naughty jokes, to play games and naughty games, to get drunk even though I don’t drink, to be tipsy, to get mushy, to cuddle, to tease. To cook good food, to laugh again. To laugh…again and again. To stare at the world with wonder once more. To see joy in everything…once more.
This is my true essence. This is what has been lost. This is what I need to feel like me again. I’m under no delusion it will happen overnight, but if it would, it would feel like this. That teetering edge of liminality where it could very well be simmering rage of frustration or it could be a breakthrough. The times I’ve been here before I’ve gotten something pierced, or I’ve colored my hair, or some other kind of declaration of being…a trip, a workout, a spirit quest, a something…
I do need a tattoo or three, but I need to be more ready with art and artist before I can be that spontaneous with something so permanent. But, a new piercing…that I can do. I don’t know why those things call to me, but it’s like my inner screaming sees these outlets as release. Maybe some of you understand, I don’t know. And I don’t know if that will happen, but it’s a powerful pull.
I’ve been pent up for too long. I’ve been beat down by too much. I’ve been challenged by everything life thinks is fun to throw at people it believes can handle it. And oh…I’ve taken it hard, but I never let it stop me. I don’t care how many times, I will crawl back, battered, bloody, beaten, supported by a core group of friends, abandoned by some people who claimed to love me, to discover, as I always do, that I have the inner strength alone to conquer whatever comes my way…with a cracked grin and a fighter’s stance.
So here I stand. Give me what you’ve got, life. If you haven’t killed me off yet with what you’ve dished out so far…it ain’t gonna happen.
It’s my time. Pass me a drink. I’ll toast to you.