“Perseverance”

Packing to move
found a picture of us
tore it in two
not one tear shed

Into the trash
along with the trophy
you gave me on which
you wrote

“Perseverance”

Ha. Ain’t that
the fucking truth.

I sure as hell
persevered, through
years of your bullshit
lies, and abuse

Manipulative narc
twisted my life
from happy
to strife

Thought I’d found
heaven but instead
born screaming
lured to your hell

Lesson learned,

Oh, I’ve moved on.
Your new target
She’ll learn, too.

And there will be
a pile of
shredded pictures
at the dump
with your face
on them.

 

~ Emily Clapper

8.31.16

 

*********

Ah, writing. Such good therapy. Especially while moving. Yes, there was an actual trophy with the word “perseverance” on it. Gone.

I suspect as I find old crap I’ve hung on to, I will be processing more.  So, while moving sucks…it sure is cathartic to purge and begin again, clean.

Hell Survived

Angel wings carry me away

for in this land I care not to stay

I’ve had my fill and then some

seen my share and fallen

hands and knees begging

release me from this prison

float me to my paradise

I’ve done my time

hell survived

now

fly

~ Emily Clapper

8.30.16

Bibs and Medals

 

Well, I’m pretty sure you’ll be seeing some interesting journal entries about this whole moving/renting/buying house situation these next several weeks. I’ve started the taking stuff off the walls phase. Anything I can do to get the menial labor done while looking for a new place.

I was told I needed to put on all my race medals.  I guess I’m pulling a Michael Phelps, minus the gold.

Sadly, I haven’t been able to run or train as I’m used to this year due to the migraine/vertigo stuff. So, it’s a little bittersweet to take these off the walls.

But that collection reminds me I am a triathlete, a multi-marathoner, and adventure racer, personal trainer, albeit reduced by health this year and on hiatus.

My best race was placing in the top 5% in the Danskin Sprint Triathlon, out of 4000 women. That was pretty amazing.

Running the Portland Marathon on two torn hamstrings was a pure feat of determination (& partly stupidity) and resolve…dammit, I trained and paid for it, I was gonna run it. 😉 It hurt. Every single step. But, I did it.

These are symbols of overcoming a whole lot of shit, personal and physical obstacles over the course of my 30s…which are ending next Wednesday. Ack.

So much blood, sweat, and tears went in to those races. I hope I get the chance to bleed, sweat, and cry for another race at some point in the years ahead.

I’m also very glad I take Zyrtec nightly or I’d be dying from dust allergies right now. 🙂

 

 

This is the Me

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This is the Me I need right now to step up and get me through this current challenge.

I have already eyed what I want to take off the walls, put in boxes, put in storage…but it’s only day 1 since the news, and I haven’t found a place yet.

I need to remind myself that I don’t shrink in the face of struggle, I face it head on and tackle the sonofabitch.

I may need to constantly remind myself this…and fake it till I make it, but that’s what this whole year has been about: survival.

I’m the comeback girl. I’ve fought my way back time and again.

It may suck for a while, but I’ll fight my way through the next chapter as well.

And yes…I am part faerie.

Shadow

Burning glaring sun

beat down on beaten me,

seared my flesh — its weapon won,

peeling past, scarring present

 

Pounded lake path

no shade did it provide

unrelenting rays my test

until your countenance arrived


Your comforting coolness above

lending me consistent respite

seeking analgesic balm

in your shade of love

I
chased
your shadow

 

~ Emily Clapper

8.29.16

Time’s A Changin’

Oh Life. Just keep pounding me, to see how much I can take. Got news today of 2 months to move out of current rental house due to illegal zoning, and the landlord’s appeal failed. Been here for 14 years. 14 years.  It’s a perfectly livable unit, absolutely nothing wrong, other than a matter of paperwork and semantics and fucking ridiculous city administration who have apparently lost their sense of rationality and compassion.

There are many reasons why this is stressful, but I’m not going to go into it.  Buying a house in Seattle in this market driven up by the 25K plus Amazon transplants is ridiculous.

It needs to happen, but the timing…my god the timing…

Trying to make this as positive an adventure as possible, but it doesn’t change the stress factor.  First step, find a new rental while looking for a house to buy.

I have a good friend who’s a realtor, she’s already looking for me.

Phew. Time to hang on to my hat and pray to the universe that there’s a break of good luck coming my way.  I believe I’ve gone through enough this year, I’ve earned it.