State of the Em

The long crawl out continues. But, I am finally feeling some difference.  Emotionally, I feel like I have released and decompressed several layers. However, I feel like there are several more to go.

Physically, finally the heart is calming the fuck down after 6 months of persistent palpitations. It has gone from dozens a day, to a handful, to finally a random one here or there with a couple days of calm in between.  Not back to normal yet, but I can see hope. It will take a long time to ease myself back into more vigorous life.

I’ve had to go deep into my own self-care, say no, enforce boundaries — whomever that may have bothered, family or friends — just to survive, literally. It’s meant blocking texts and notifications, reading, walking, yoga, nurturing my battered soul.  Nothing else quite reveals who really loves you than the coincidental exposing of the ones who take your personal healing as a sleight.

And finally, I am starting to emerge ever so slightly, testing my ability to socialize a bit more; retraining my amygdala that not everything is a threat, as ptsd does a number on the fight/flight response, and eventually the brain can’t decipher good from bad stress.  Getting there gradually.

On the writing side…I am contemplating a lot. I’ve been feeling fragmented in terms of where to focus. There are many poems I’ve left hanging and unposted. I have some nagging thoughts on another chapter in a book I was playing around with. I have been pondering over how to finally get my ass in line to publish some poetry.  So it’s kind of had me spinning my literary wheels lately.

I do believe that contemplation and quiet time to let the mind brew is a writer’s best friend and if you don’t sit still long enough, you will miss out on some of your best thoughts.  So, this may come across in my web presence as erratic (reading and writing).

I do not want to be here producing, just to produce. I want to remain true to what kept me writing when I started putting an occasional poem here over a year ago: write when inspired.  Thankfully, I am often inspired, but I still have to pay close attention to my motivations.

Releasing attachment to opinion, to people, to outcome, to expectations is the only way creative expression reaches its truth.

I aim to find mine.

Love, Em

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39 thoughts on “State of the Em

  1. Thank you for letting me know how you are doing, Emily. As you know, I am content to stand here with you, or hold your hand and run. I hope you will always do whatever is in your best interest…and also whatever keeps this beautiful and wonderful Woman/Poet/Soul that I have been graced to know alive and well.

    Always sending love and always on your side,

    ERIC ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad your palpitations are slowed. My friend with them said the chiropractor helped. Slowing down is good. I wish you continued peace and healing, lovely girl. 😘❤️

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes, that should be nice. 🙂
        Things are ok for me. I’m dealing pretty well even when things aren’t great so I think I’ll be okay. 🙂 ❤

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Cheering you from Singapore! Real profound words here Em. Nonattachment to those who feel self care a slight. Writing as inspired, not to produce, as a fellow prolific writer totally get this. I see poetry everywhere… like my own sixth sense. And letting go of others judgement to just trust your voice. Happy to know you, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. “And letting go of others judgement to just trust your voice. ”
        Great advice, not always easy 😉
        I am also glad to read you’re slowly but steady making progress.
        Big hug, XxX

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m so happy to hear your feeling well, Emily. Hope is so very powerful! I’m glad you’ve taken care of yourself, and I’m excited to see where this chapter leads you! 💜

    Like

    1. Thank you very much, Angela! Yes…lots of mindset work for sure, despite having little reason to. It can be a powerful thing. And we’ll see where the road leads! 🙏🏼😊💜

      Liked by 1 person

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