The long crawl out continues. But, I am finally feeling some difference. Emotionally, I feel like I have released and decompressed several layers. However, I feel like there are several more to go.
Physically, finally the heart is calming the fuck down after 6 months of persistent palpitations. It has gone from dozens a day, to a handful, to finally a random one here or there with a couple days of calm in between. Not back to normal yet, but I can see hope. It will take a long time to ease myself back into more vigorous life.
I’ve had to go deep into my own self-care, say no, enforce boundaries — whomever that may have bothered, family or friends — just to survive, literally. It’s meant blocking texts and notifications, reading, walking, yoga, nurturing my battered soul. Nothing else quite reveals who really loves you than the coincidental exposing of the ones who take your personal healing as a sleight.
And finally, I am starting to emerge ever so slightly, testing my ability to socialize a bit more; retraining my amygdala that not everything is a threat, as ptsd does a number on the fight/flight response, and eventually the brain can’t decipher good from bad stress. Getting there gradually.
On the writing side…I am contemplating a lot. I’ve been feeling fragmented in terms of where to focus. There are many poems I’ve left hanging and unposted. I have some nagging thoughts on another chapter in a book I was playing around with. I have been pondering over how to finally get my ass in line to publish some poetry. So it’s kind of had me spinning my literary wheels lately.
I do believe that contemplation and quiet time to let the mind brew is a writer’s best friend and if you don’t sit still long enough, you will miss out on some of your best thoughts. So, this may come across in my web presence as erratic (reading and writing).
I do not want to be here producing, just to produce. I want to remain true to what kept me writing when I started putting an occasional poem here over a year ago: write when inspired. Thankfully, I am often inspired, but I still have to pay close attention to my motivations.
Releasing attachment to opinion, to people, to outcome, to expectations is the only way creative expression reaches its truth.
I aim to find mine.